Draft #3

My story begins in San Diego when my mom received a phone call. I watched as my mom answered "oh my gosh" she said as her eyes became misty. "What happened mom?" I really wanted to know. Walking out the room when my mom said "Sweetie, your Uncle Danny's mom has died." My heart sunk after hearing the news. My mom walked out of my room. I followed to see if she was okay it turns out that she wasn't okay. She was crying a little. Then my eyes started getting misty. My mom got on the phone and scheduled a flight to Atlanta.

Next thing I knew we were on Delta airlines going to Atlanta for a funeral. The flight was smooth and long. The flight attendant served food on to my stray I hardly ate anything since the only thing I could think of was my great aunt. Also another thing why I did not eat the food that the Flight attendant gave me was because the food on airplanes is always disgusting to me. My mom began to worry about me; she asked me what was wrong? I told her I can not believe my great aunt had passed away. I was still shocked that she was dead.

The pilot announced over the loud speaker that we were about to land in Atlanta. I suddenly felt relieved to be in Georgia. After landing we called my grandmother to pick us up from the airport. We arrived at the house as we walked in the door I say my granddad laying on the bed I figured he would be doing that. We started to unpack are clothes for the funeral. I had been to many funerals, some were older people and some were too young to die.

For the next couple of days everyone was very emotional. My uncles were very sad that their mom was gone. A few days went by and we were finally going to the funeral. When we arrived at the church we saw my uncle Danny in a limo with relatives there to support him. While at the church we went to the front to say our goodbyes to my deceased aunt. It felt very heart breaking for me. It was such an emotional time for everyone even I started to cry. When I saw my uncles cry it made me sad. It was hard to see people I love in so much pain. I went out of the church and saw two police officers outside waiting to drive us to the graveyard. I was amazed at how the police stopped traffic and led us to the graveyard at the same time.

At the graveyard we met a man that gave us flowers to put on her casket. When the casket was lowered we all got great grief because it was really the last time we would see her. After the funeral we went back to my grandmother’s house. Lots of people came to pay their respects. Everyone chipped in and brought food. It seems to help make us feel better. We stayed in Atlanta a few days and we were able to visit some of our other family members. My mom and I got all of our stuff ready so we could comeback to San Diego.

It was time to leave. We said goodbye to all of our relatives and my grandmother took us to the airport. Since coming back to San Diego all I could think about was how emotional that trip was. I learned that losing someone can affect you for a long time.

The End

Interior monologue

One spot in my memoir where I share my thoughts is in the second paragraph. In this part I discuss how my mom passed me food on a tray. I hardly ate anything because the only thing I could think of was my great aunt. These were my thoughts during this portion of the memoir.

Finding the focus and slowing down the "hot spot"

The part of my memoir that would be most interesting for readers is when we arrived at the grave site. A man gave us flowers to put on my great aunt's casket. We felt a great deal of grief. The most important part of my writing is the sense of emotion. There was sadness, closure, and surprise. This part is interesting to readers because it gives them a good clue how my family felt during this tragedy.

Defferent Leads

Posing question
How would you handle an emotional
situation?

Astonishing fact
The family was overcome with grief.

Spoken words
Your aunt has died in Georgia.

Setting the mood
The mood was sad emotional.

Arresting Sentence
My mom passed the food on to my stray I hardly ate anything
since the only thing I could think of was my great aunt.

Rough Draft #1

Once, I was at my house enjoying a nice day until the phone rang and my mom came rushing in saying my great aunt Mildred died in Georgia. My heart sunk after hearing the news, the interesting part was I hardly even new her. Then I could hear my mom sounding really sad. I felt horrible like the time I struck out swinging twice. My mom scheduled a flight to Atlanta Georgia for both of us.

Next thing I knew we were on Delta airlines going to Atlanta for a funeral. The flight was smooth and long. The flight attendant served food on the flight. My mom passed the food on to my tray I hardly ate anything since the only thing I could think of was my great aunt. My mom began to worry about me; she asked me what was wrong? I told her I could not believe my great aunt had passed away. I was still shocked that she was dead.

The pilot announced over the loud speaker that we were about to land in Atlanta. I suddenly
felt relieved to be in Georgia. After landing we called my grandmother to pick us up from the
airport. My grandmother picked us up and on the way to her house, my mom announced we
would need to get ready for the funeral. I had been to many funerals, some were older people
and some were too young to die.

For the next couple of days everyone was very emotional. My uncles were very sad that their mom was gone. A few days went by and were finally going to the funeral. When we arrived at the church we saw my uncle Danny in a limo with relatives there to support him. While at the church we went to the front to say our goodbyes to my deceased aunt. It felt very
heart breaking for me. it was a very emotional time for everyone even I started to cry. When I
saw my uncle's cry it made me sad. It was hard tosee people I love in so much pain. I went out of the church and saw to police officers outside waiting to drive us to the graveyard. I was amazed at how the police stopped traffic and led us to the grave yard at the same time.

At the grave yard we met a man that gave us flowers to put on her casket. When the casket was lowered we all got great grief because it was really the last time we would see her. After the funeral we went back to my grandmothers house. Lot's of people came to pay their respects. Everyone chipped in and brought food. it seems to help make us feel better. We stayed in Atlanta few days and we were able to visit some of our other family members. My mom and I got all of our stuff ready so we could come back to SanDiego.

It was time to leave. We said good bye toall of our relatives and my grandmother took us to the airport. Since coming back to SanDiego all I could think about was how emotional that trip was. I learned that losing some one affected me for along time.

The End